Winter Warmer: 10 Simple Steps To Public Mortification

I know, I know, I’ve been neglecting my blog again recently. I had such good intentions when I took up my figurative pen again this summer, but I can assure you, I have my best excuse yet for this most recent hiatus – I’ve been immersing myself in another writing project, one that I’m rather excited about and will almost certainly share here at some point. Come to think of it, maybe this is worse actually; not only am I neglecting Adventures of an Anglaise… I’m cheating on it. Don’t judge me.

Of course, it doesn’t help that I also returned to work in the autumn, after almost six months of furlough. Financially, it’s quite a relief, but a full-time job really does get in the way of things like spending your days writing in coffee shops/bars and wandering around Paris and generally Living Your Best Life. Ah well.

So I’m cheating (in the other sense of the word) a little with this post, and sharing a quick “how to”, written, as usual, in pure straight-faced seriousness…

Facebook followers may experience a mild sense of déjà vu. Hurray for self-plagiarism.


Struggling with the falling temperatures? Worry not! There’s now an easy solution.

Simply find a foreign supermarket (a small convenience store will work just fine), make your way to the front of a lengthy queue of grumpy evening commuters, and proceed as follows:

1) Completely misunderstand question about your loyalty card.

2) Respond to question you incorrectly think you’ve been asked; observe look of confusion on cashier’s face.

3) Ask for question to be repeated. Twice, for good measure.

4) Realise you don’t even have your loyalty card on you.

5) Attempt to pay. Have bank card declined for contactless payment.

6)  Insert card into machine whilst glancing nervously over your shoulder at the man (or woman) grumbling behind you. Try for a winning smile. Settle for an embarrassed grimace.

7) Completely forget (new) PIN; stare helplessly at the stone-faced cashier.

8) Spend several l-o-n-g moments fumbling around for your phone to find the memo you made in anticipation of this very moment.*

9) Enter PIN with relief, only to realise you didn’t insert the bloody card into the machine properly.

10) Reinsert your card (all the way this time, idiot) and go through the whole damn process again.

Guaranteed to get you toasty warm from head to toe in no time! 

Warning: Possible side effects may include severe blushing and an unwillingness to ever return to the supermarket or convenience store in question.

Events, locales, and incidents are either the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual events is purely coincidental. Because nobody is actually this daft and/or unlucky in real life. And especially not the author of this post.

*Before anyone feels the need to let me know how clever that isn’t, the PIN number has long since been memorised and the memo deleted. And if you think this footnote is aimed at you, it definitely is.

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